A Christmas Morning

....what is that?......that noise....sleeeeeeeeep....so slowly i woke. To morning breath...bleh. I opened my eyes to find the expanse of my visual plane filled with the face of my 9 year old. Incidentally my 9 year old, Andrew, was born with downs syndrome. He doesn't talk, he gets as close to your face as possible, stares at you as if he's calculating something of utter importance, and grinds his teeth endlessly.

Not at all unnerving. Sounds like someone chewing on a chalkboard. In my state of semi lethargy, I manage to utter..."Andrew, you needa' thhprinnk?" In response he flaps his hands like a little bird and flies into the kitchen. I slide out of bed and stumble in the general direction of the....water. I fill a glass and hand it to the parched flapping child. He takes a sip, dumps the rest in the sink, drops the cup, and runs away still batting at the air like some strange winged creature while squaking much like I would guess a terradatle must have sounded like.

I squint intently for a moment at the microwave. 7:08am.....This little voice in my head informs me that I am currently running on roughly 4 hours of sleep. Sounds from the living room indicate the presence of yet more children. As I approach I hear the unmistakably quirky taunt of the veggie tales theme. Great, three of them out of bed. I tell them to go to bed till 8. My 11 year old David quickly recognized the level of stasis I'm in and promptly takes full advantage of it. "Ok, Whatever, just stay away from the dishes...tree!..I mean."

I stumble off to bed. I wake myself after approximately 14 minutes by yelling shut up. Yes, I was coaching in my sleep. There was a rumble in the jungle....uuu...living room. "Shut up!" I yell again. There's a bang and a crash and screaming and I'm mobile. I come to a sliding stop on the wood floor and grab my face in amazement. David is propping up the tree while my two youngest are pulling on the one leg that he doesn't have touching the floor.

The two toddlers of darkness are squealing bloody murder, David's yelling at the top of his lungs, and the curtains are wide open just like the mouths and eyes of the neighbors looking in. Boxers! I think to myself and I suck my gut in before shutting the curtains with a smile and turning to the potential disaster at hand. I grab the tree and the three amature wrestlers crash to the floor. An hour later the gifts are opened and Mom's in the kitchen cookin' breakfast.

Katelynn's playing with her new bike, the two young brats are destroying a train set, the fifteen year old has disappeared with a model 4 cylinder, the 11 year old is upstairs with hand full of candy canes and a rock tumbler....Andrew is spinning around on the wood floor at mach 4 with a dirty sock screeching well into the decibel range shared by most supersonic jets. I'm on the couch lacing up the pair of canvas Allstar Converse i asked for.

After putting my nasty feet into them i decided that they may be a size too big. I wear a size 13 and converse...well, they look like skis on me. I could have stomped out half a frign' forest fire by simply jogging through it. I get up to take the shoes for a test drive. In my attempt to make it through the labyrinth of toys I managed to anger the three year old by messing up the leaning tower of linkin' logs. He screams at me what sounds like "Faggot!" and then becomes a human linkin log dispenser. Faggot? I ask myself as I reach out to grab the little juvenile militant. As soon I grab him he smiles and says "sorry dad!"

I hadn't noticed my 4 year old who had begun wrapping a loooong string around my feet. Without thinking I try to step backward. This sends me crashing down onto the ottoman with Joseph tucked under one arm....CRUNCH! "Daddy's butt broke the oman!!" Elijah, my four year old, hollers. Oh gawd I hope my butt's ok. I put the baby down and struggle to get out of the bucket I had made of the ottoman when I'm struck across the brow by a hula hoop. So now I'm getting a lil' angry.

I rose up out of the pile of toys and busted furniture like the Crackon. The two once brave little men slowly look up at me with mouths and eyes open wide then promptly drop their toys and run stumbling over one another. A few hours later, or so it seems, it's dinner time. Turkey, Ham, olives, ham rolls, devilled eggs, pumpkin roll, chocolate cake, potatoes and gravy......and Joseph screaming in a voice that can only be described as evil..."Daddy I don't want the chicken!, I want cake!"

Andrew is laughing like a madman slapping himself in the head with a giant spoon....My two oldest are spelling cuss words......my little girl is laughing at some demented Christmas carol by Cheech and Chong.....and I'm seriously thinking about adding a little something to my eggnog. I was trying to remember...somewhere way up in the cupboards was half a bottle of Captain Morgan...I think. I'm wrenched from my contemplation by the loud clanging of bronze silverware against china.

"Thaaat's aaaanuuuuuffff!!!" Everyone of them stopped but the youngest....little spoiled.....brat. He continues banging, fork in one hand and spoon in the other...the word drum solo crept into my mind and I couldn't help but pick up some repetition in the clammer.

Batter up!!!

....so there I was, poised in the front yard, in the dark, holding a baseball bat like it was a samurai sword.....in a pair of silk boxers. I'm thinkn'....this might be kinda' hot I weren't packn' twenty extra pounds. Just then I saw the brightest light! It was blinding! It was......the police. Two maglight wielding officers stepped out of the car and began walking toward me. I froze. How the hell am I gonna' explain this.

One of the officers asked me..."Are you looking for somebody?" Without missing a beat I answered..."Ya, my pitcher, have you seen him?" They were laughn' their asses off when one of them spotted a baseball in my yard. He's now completely lost it but he manages to form the words..."Looks like we have an abduction on our hands!!!" and continues to crack up. The other guy takes the ball still chuckling, says, "batter up," and throws the ball at me. I swung....CRACK!

I hit the ball and the ball hit one of the officers right in the fruity pebbles! "Oh my God!" They're gonna' give me the chair for this, I thought. I dropped the bat and went over to the officers. The one that pitched it was laughing so hard he couldn't stand up and the other one was in tears rolling around on the sidewalk yelling..."Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!!!" I said, "So is that like assault with a deadly weapon?" I don't think the pitcher could breathe hahahahaha. Long story short they went on their way and I was left to ponder this event.

Jacked up!!

Man, why didn't they give me any crutches?.....My foot swelled up and lit up. You ever have a part of you just light up? A spectacular example would be striking your thumb with a hammer. I'm one a them guys that don't stop. I've had my share of sprains and pains. I practically knocked myself out at work once. Split my head open....huge lump....I put my hat on and went back to it.

My remedy for a sprain is to tighten the laces on my shoes and keep on goin'. So that's what I did. Though I hadn't done anything to sprain it....or I didn't think so. Anywayz... I'm walkin', I'm workin'....I'm playin'.....movin' stuff to the next house we live in. It keeps getting worse. Big surprise right? The thing is I've always just walked it off and I've never had it get any worse. Eventually it just fades and I realize one day that it doesn't hurt anymore. Not this time.

I thought to myself...."Self, this thing is really starting to hurt." Self says back..."Stretch it." So I stretch it....preceding one of the most awesome nights of my life. You ever hurt so bad you see colors? That was me. I'm not use to hurting. I've cut myself deep enough to see the inside of my arm and hand a few times without knowing it. This one hurt. So I suffer with it for two long days and nights before I finally break down and find someone to take pics of the inside of my foot. I broke it.

How do you break your ankle without knowing it? I walked on this thing for a couple weeks before it stopped me. So now the tough guy feels like a sheep. Now I'm thinkin' that 34 may be stoppin' me. Gotta' shake that, ya know? So now I'm layin' around. Everybody goes everywhere and I'm all jacked up and just stupid enough to walk on it once in awhile. You never know. The doc could be wrong about the two weeks it's gonna' take to be able to get movin' again. It's been exactly a week....maybe.....and I'm still in pretty bad shape.

This might be the first time in my life I can't play my drums. That freaks me out. What I'm wondering now is...how bored can someone become before it's life threatening. I've got way too much time to think. Anyone out there get into trouble just by thinkin'? No? Well I do. No keyboard, no games.....bumbed a couple movies off my boy Jamie......Silver Surfer wasn't bad, Transformers Rocked! I rented spiderman.....I hated it. Just got done watchin' Mr. Brooks. What a trip.

I hate it when you can see that twist commin'.........I gotsa' go back to work Thursday. Tomorrow I'm getting my back X-Ray'd to see if I have damaged it. It's been botherin' me too. All jack'd up baby! I'd get on my knees and pray for healing but my foot won't point the right direction hahahahaha!
I'm thinkin' lighting all this hair on fire would be cool. I'll have to barrow Shawn's cam corder so I can put it on youtube.

Another fourth?

....Most of my days start by waking up. This isn't always a good thing. My fourth started by staying up until I couldn't stand up and crashing around 6am. I don't really recall what I was doing up until 6am. Typing something to somebody. Probably droning on about health and how America doesn't care about the poison we eat and we sit here wondering why people empty semi auto's into other people. Poison body poison mind...bla bla bla...I'll save it for another blog.

I did wake up on the fourth. I think it was a good thing. Although I could have slept 'till the fifth. I woke up around 10am. "Four hours, I know I know." I say to myself. This is after doing the same thing almost all week. Busy day too. Of course there's the fourth of July stuff where you sit around, light off fire works and bar-b-q. Relaxing.....Not my family. We like to suffer. All eight of us have to go out of town to celebrate.

I don't know how many of you have kids....wuzat? Just one? Multiply that by six! Woo hooo!! An entire day of running after a 3 year old, a 5 year old, and a 9 year old with downs who doesn't look smart but just try to catch his flying butt when he decides he likes cars again. Ya.....So we all get up and run around the house doing all the things we should have done the day before. All of us speeding in opposite directions at warp 9 looking for the other shoe, the other sock, underwear, toothbrush, "batteries for my gameboy!!!" and "Dad!! da Lijah gimme' da green twain, um an, um, an, I take it wiff?!!!

I step out of my bedroom...in a matter of seconds I've got a screaming Joseph in one arm, one puppy on a leash that's rapped around my ankle, and I'm attempting to threaten my 12 year old in a way that will make him stop trying to kill the 5 year old.....without breaking any laws. So an hour later I'm half ready. I sit down at the computer to get caught up on band stuff. Aha, a note...in my writing.....upside down....."Record in Inman with band today....bring kick." Ah yes.

Today I go to Inman...well, what that said. So I remind Amy who already knows. The plan is to drop me off on the way to Sterling. Later it's more like scratch plan A and call Wade for a ride cause huge surprise we're running late again. So Wade picks me up at my place and we head out to Inman to record some songs so we can send them off to the master of mix and production Tony Palicios.

It wasn't bad. It was my first time recording anything on an electric drum set. I know you drummers out there understand what I'm sayin'. Parts of the thing wouldn't work half the time. Nobody could hear me so we were all off beat and everything was so slow that day. Take a song you like to jump around to and slow it down to half speed. It will make you sleep. It was cool not to have to set up and tear down though.

So we get done there and I'm on the road to Sterling with my singer Shawn who is good enough to give me a lift out of his way. So we're tokn'....I don't know how I got on my martial arts speech but I was on it for fifteen minutes or so until I notice Shawn is looking a little uncomfortable. Must have been something I said. Was is the aspects of hand to hand, the mind exercises, or the assassination theory.....anywayz we changed the subject real quick. About that time I notice the sky is gone.

We're driving into these clouds that are the color of dark evil and I start bugin' him to turn off the mp3's and turn the radio on because If there's a tornado I want to hear about it so I can run like a little sissy for fear of becoming funnel food! Now it's raining pretty good....starting to hail...and I'm wondering about the shield configuration on this tiny Ford gas saver thing we're zipping down the highway in. By the time we get to Sterling it's commin' down like mad. Like God was unleashing cosmic destruction! I'm thinkin' maybe too many people prayed for rain before spring.

Shawn is now driving using his sonar which is issued to each rock singer. He must have been because I couldn't see anything and we're still hummin' along at 65. I'm trying to tell him how to get to a place that he's never been that I can't see now. So we get there thanx to Shawn's super powers. I grab the bag with my double kick in it and my symbol bag. I thank Shawn for the ride and tell him to drive safe thinking later that he'll probably be ok.

I take a deep breath and get ready to swim. I'm out of the car door and inside the back door of the old farm house where my inlaws live inside 5 seconds...and I'm soaked to the bone. There's a loud crash of thunder as I burst through the door to see all 20 of them holding hands around the dining room table right in the middle of prayer. I hear Leroy goin'...."two or more are gathered in your name...." Jenny, my sister inlaw says, "Look! Jesus is here!" then Chris my bro. inlaw says, "Did you walk here?!"

I drop my bags thankful to be out of the rain when someone says, "Since you're already wet you can go get the food." The food was located 50 yards from the house in the back of what use to be a garage. I took off my brand new walmart special skate shoes, put on some huge rubber boots and went back out in the rain. I found the food in a fridge where it was nice and dry. So we ate and had cake...well, some of us had cake.

Then it was out front to set off fire works in the rain. By then it was down to a sprinkle. I taught all the kids all the stupid things people do on the 4Th. Then I told them, "Hey, don't do this stuff!" So I figure we're good. After that me and David, my other bro. inlaw, talked outside until the mosquitoes ate half the meat off my legs. Then is was muddn' on the four wheeler in the dark.

It was a good time. As I drove the family home I thought to myself, Such a nice......."I left my clothes hangin' in the bathroom at your moms!" So I had to turn around and go back to get them. I pull up and my mother inlaw is waiting to hand them out the door. And away we went. Of course this time I wasn't lucky enough to get passed the gas station without two or three people ranting..."I need to pee!!!" 45 minutes later we're home.

I'm unloading bodies from the back seat of the burban. 40lbs is alot when it's asleep. It's like the little sucker gains weight every time he passes out. As I carried my youngest inside he said, "Dad, are we in Kansas now?" I'm like, "Where have you been?" Then he grabs another hand full of chest hair through my shirt and says, "I not fall down." And we all go inside to sleep in the disaster we made this morning.

uhhh......greed?

How many people at this very moment are wondering what the world is coming to? Big number I'd imagine. I'm wondering what the world has come to. How did we get here? How did we come to such a volatile place that one thing can take the whole nation down. The price of gas for instance. What has become of the world? Greed has become of the world, or our world rather...AKA the good ol' U.S.

Think about this. Price of gas goes too high to buy, nobody can get to work...nobody can buy anything......uhhhhh....I'm no economy buff but I'd say that would pretty much be the end of us. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Call me a simpleton and slap me in the chops. Tell my concerns are all in vain. I would love some piece of mind right about now. Greeeed! The bible says that the love of money is the root of all evil. No, money is not the root. It says the "love" of money. The root of "all" evil. Not just a little of it. Not just half of it. All of it.

Yes, this is me blaming greed for the problems of America. Gasoline is an obvious of course. My Dad told me a story about a man on Camp Pendalton that adjusted the carb on his jeep in a way that enabled the vehicle to achieve an astonishing 100 plus miles per gallon. The jeep was taken from the man and he was threatened with disciplinary action should he create another gas hog....sarcasm? This incident took place in the early seventies. Everyone knows we've had the technology for years to get 100 plus miles per gallon. There are a group of money hording pigs out there that are responsible for this mess. Or at least partially.

Let's talk about greed and your food. You know all the preservatives, emulsifiers and hydrogenated oils everyone is crying about? Greed. Let's start with hydrogenated oils, shall we? Nobody can be absolutely sure of it's original intended purpose, but we do know the bulk of what it wound up being used for. If you put this crap in food it doesn't have to be refrigerated.

Can you imagine how much money just one company would save if they didn't have to refrigerate just one product? I'm not just talkin' in a warehouse somewhere either. Refrigeration on the road. Not only that but it's shelf life could outlast you. Especially if you eat it! Did you know that the beginning of the so called obesity problem in America co insides with the introduction of hydrogenated oils into our food supply? Partially hydrogenated oil is worse! Sure they use it to perk things up a bit. Change the melting point in butter. We call that margarine....or to get the texture right in peanut butter and prevent separation.

Let me connect some dots here. Save money on refrigeration. That's it? Nope. Some guy in Pennsylvania isn't satisfied with the money he makes off of his product locally. He wants the entire U.S. to buy what he has. How does he get his stuff to you before it rots? He puts poison in it so that it doesn't go bad. Greed. How much of this crap is in our food? Read the back! Here's something I like to do to scare myself out of another year of life. Read the ingredients of anything you're eating that is packaged. Type them one at a time in the search bar and see what comes up. I caught my second oldest boy doing this one day. He was looking up something called Sodium Nitrite. I may have misspelled that. This stuff is in almost all packaged meat products. Hot dogs, any kind of lunch meat, brats....anywayz...He won't eat it anymore.

Perhaps you think that he over reacted. Look up the MSDS on this stuff and see for yourself. The truth is if this were the only chemical in our food, we might not have it so bad. There are hundreds of thousands of them. EDTA, PGPR, Soy lecithin, dies, artificial colors, artificial sweeteners.....We blame rock and roll and video games for falling test scores, divorce rates and that kid who emptied a semi auto sub sonic into another class room. We're taking in too much of this crap. Our bodies and minds cannot work properly under these circumstances. Depression? Please! Give them some more pills, right? You ever ask your doctor why you feel like that?

Maybe an antibiotic! Like the stuff they pump the cows full of that you eat in your burgers. Woohoo!! I went and done it now didn't I! Did you know that 70 some odd percent of your immune system is a bacteria that grows in your guts? Do you know what an antibiotic does? It kills bacteria!!!! With that bacteria gone you're wide open. There's something else in your gut that the antibiotics don't kill. Fungus. The levels of fungus in your guts are controlled by the bacteria. Without the bacteria the fungus grows out of control and causes all kinds of problems that nobody wants to blame fungus for. Fungus can't survive without sugar. Problem solved right? I just won't eat any sugar.

One estimate puts American sugar consumption at 64 lbs a year per person as an average. Another estimate I read recently was 134 lbs a year per person. Here fungus fungus.....another problem here is that sugar by itself from any source is dangerous. What? Oranges have sugar!? Yes, but oranges also have the proper nutrients that your body needs to break the sugar down.

Those crying FDA? Yes, the FDA will protect us! They didn't stop the buying and selling of asbestos, we did. They sold it to us until we stopped buying it. Oh wait. They still sell the stuff. Why? Greed. What else does the FDA do for you? Feeds you lots and lots of drugs. That's right. Line up fellas and open wide. Two years ago the Pharmaceutical industry made in excess of 426 billion dollars a year. That's a lot of money folks! May cause nausea, vomiting, bleeding of the nose, eyes, liver....severe diarrhea...and in some rare cases, DEATH! Wake up drones!!!! hahahaha!!!

Hey, here's one for all of you fanatics out there. The word Pharmaceutical comes from the Greek word pharmakia. In the Greek, pharmakia means sorcery. Pharmacist comes from the Greek word pharmacon, which means sorcerer. Spooooky isn't it! Here's another thought, since I've obviously went waaaaay too far....In Revelations chapter 18 it says, ".....by thy scorceries were all nations deceived."
I use to work for a pharmaceutical company. In one meeting they proudly announced that they were now selling product in 168 countries around the world. Hmmmmm.....Hey, I'm not sayin' anything.......GREED! Sorry.....shutting up.....GREED!!!!!!

Is there anyone left out there that doesn't believe that pharms are bad for us? Why do we keep on taking them? What about the food? Is there anyone out there that believes that the junk they put in our food isn't responsible for our poor health? Is there anyone out there left sleeping? shhhhh......wake up.

GREED GREED GREED GREED GREED GREED GREED GREED......greed.....grrrrrr......eeeeed....in a nation of designed consumers.

Ok, done venting...

goodnight