Five minutes of waking...

Wrenched out of sleep I here the laughter of my 3 year old as he lines up for another headbutt. I can’t be angry, he gets it from me. Not half a second goes by and the two youngest are bouncing on the bed. Nothing quite like having 30 some odd pounds of bouncing baby boy land ya’ square in the guts.

Might have killed me if I were laying on the floor. Why do they always land on their knees? So I roll out of bed onto the floor. No work ’till Monday, I think to myself and stumble off to the bathroom. I stop briefly to watch a car through the window. Rolled by a little too slowly. McPherson county QUD 13 somthin’ or other....I must be slippn’.

Somewhere between the bedroom and the bathroom I step in God knows what but it’s cold and sticks...and what in the world is that smell!!? I quickly enter the bathroom to escape the crossfire of hotwheels and Duplo blocks....the voice in my head alerts me..."you’re being flanked moron! Hit the deck!" Safely inside I lift my foot to take a look at what I stepped in. Do I peel it off or go outside and scrape it off on the concrete steps.

Ah, no glasses...can’t see it. I rip it off my foot and wash my hands. Judging by the smell it’s......it’s......unidentifiable. I turn to the throne and lift the seat and lid with the big toe on my right foot to find an entire roll of tp in the bowl. For a moment my mind begins to calculate the odds that it is still dry. I stare into the toilet for a good 17 and a half seconds.

I knew what I had to do but as you can imagine I didn’t want to do it. I reach down into the shiny white abyss, grab hold of the cold soggy mass and lift it from the bowl.....uncovering a real American hero, GI-JOE. I throw Joe and the roll into the small bathroom trashcan and wash my hands for the second time in the 4 minutes I had been awake.

After using the stool slash cubby I slide open the shower curtain. To my amazement the tub is half full of toys and clothes all coated with what appears to be an entire bottle of Suave shampoo and conditioner. I close the certain and think....Gawd, I’ll take one later.